I went to go brush my teeth after writing my entry below and decided to share with the world my alien theory.
Kevin, if I go missing after publishing this theory, tell the world my story.
OK, it goes without bragging that I'm quite the amateur astronomer. I mean, I dare you to challenge me with any mathematical question regarding distances between objects in space. I will blow your mind, man. There's no way to explain a scientific theory without math, so let me hold your hand through this:
a- light travels at 186,282 mph
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b- Promixa Centari, our closest star, is 4.22 light years away, meaning you have to travel at 186,282 mph to reach that star
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c- no physical matter can travel that fast. Einstein proved it. Your body will literally disintegrate.
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d- let's be real, y'all. NO physical body can travel from one star to another, let alone stars/planets/E.T. are all billions of light years away. It would take too long and there's no source of energy that can sustain a species to travel billions of years to reach anything.
So the conclusion is this: aliens are real, but they have never visited us and they never will.
But what about all those "alien encounter" stories from Alaska and shit? We can't discount that. Don't you find it fishy how every single one of these shit-kickers report the same story? It's always little beings, all white, big heads, huge dark eyes, no/little mouths.
We've already scratched out space travel in large distances, but we haven't ruled out TIME TRAVEL. Before you hop on over to Perez Hilton, hear me out. Now, we can't travel into the future (hasn't been written yet, see: Back to the Future), but we can surely travel to the past. In fact, it's proven. Long story short, Einstein predicted you can travel through the past if enough gravity allowed it. NASA proved it several years ago with atomic clocks (swear to! just ask me for the article).
So, in conclusion, the "aliens" that these people have reported seeing are in fact: us from the future. We used to be apes with muscles and claws to hunt, hair to keep us warm. As we evolved, we got smarter so our brains got bigger. We have Aeropostale to keep us warm so no more need for back hair. We don't need claws to hunt, we use tranquilizer guns and meat mills.
Evolution, man. In the future, we need huge brains. We don't need muscles any more. We won't need big mouths to eat since we'll be taking meals in pill form. We'll communicate with telepathy. We'll all be white because 100% of us will work indoors. See where I'm going? And ask yourself this: if you had the chance to travel back in time to study Jesus Christ, King Tut and Calvin Coolidge, wouldn't you? That's exactly what they're doing to us.
I rest my case.
